I've been thinking a lot about the concept of "preaching to an active state." I don't really think there's anything wrong with it, as long as the sermons aren't political. That bothers me. I keep thinking every sermon I hear has to do with the state of the church, but I think I'm just connecting things better to my own life. Everything I hear has to do with my life and I think that's awesome. Every passage I read from the Word, no matter how short, has to do with my life and I see how it applies. For example I read this:

"Not everyone who says to me, Lord, Lord, will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only those who do the will of my Father who is in heaven." (Matthew 7:21)

and I realized that maybe I am just saying "Lord, Lord" and not actually doing anything and reading this quote got me off my computer. It didn't guilt me into it but I actually wanted to jump up and do the dishes and clean the kitchen. I couldn't stop. I was having so much fun!

AH! I LOVE THE LORD! It is SO awesome to feel close to Him!

"The LORD has been mindful of us; He will bless us; He will bless the house of Israel; He will bless the house of Aaron. He will bless those who fear the LORD, the small together with the great." Psalm 115:12-13

"And all the people were trying to touch Him, for power was coming from Him and healing them all." Luke 6:19

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

I have been so joyful lately. I love people. I love connection. I am not worried about my school work because I've realized there are way more important things, like living a good life. "The first of charity is to look to the Lord and shun evils because they are sins" (Charity 1).

I've been a lot happier this last week or so because I don't like being unhappy and fellow students are reminding me how to stay happy and are helping me remember what's important.

I have been feeling sad for others though. I see others hurting and angry and it makes me feel guilty for not feeling that way, however that's not useful either. Remaining positive and happy is what other people need. It's what got me out of my unhappy state. I was feeling discouraged about church politics and seeing other people not ignoring, but approaching these issues with love, wisdom and use has been so helpful to me. So thank you dear friends! I hope I may be as useful to someone else by spreading the good cheer you have brought to me!

I feel quite content to weather the storm. Not to go under ground and wait for it to blow over, but to be patient and see what part I am to play.

 Better is the little of the righteous than the abundance of many wicked. - Psalms 37:16

 All human situations have their inconveniences. We feel those of the present but neither see nor feel those of the future; and hence we often make troublesome changes without amendment, and frequently for the worse.
  - Benjamin Franklin

I have been invited to go on the College Junior class trip to New Zealand. It is going to cost $3,500, but that is before school funding and our own fundraising. Bracken is of the opinion that we could all be going for $1,000 which is a ridiculously good deal for a weeklong trip to New Zealand.

My first problem is I don't have $3,500 dollars, and in order to go I have to pay that upfront next month. Hopefully some of that will be reimbursed, but to begin with that is a lot of money to plonk down.

My second problem is I think to myself "If I had $3,500 dollars to blow on one week, I could spend it on so many other things." I come so close to making the definite decision of going (assuming I can borrow the money from relatives) and then I realize "how the heck does this serve the neighbor? What am I doing for anybody but myself?" I was expressing this concern in the cafe today and Skye told me to put myself in someone else's shoes. Do I look at other people who say "I'm going to New Zealand!" and say, "that is so selfish of you!" ? No. I think "what an awesome experience for you!" But when someone else tells me they are doing something that coo I can't see all the things they are sacrificing in order to go. But I see myself. I realize that I won't be able to get my friends Christmas and Birthday presents, and it feels so self-centered.

On the other hand, I always do this to myself. "I don't have the money" "I'll travel later" "someday maybe" and I never do things. I chicken out. I am already panicking about going off to New Zealand without any family members or close friends and thinking of so many reasons not to go. For once in my life can't I just do something completely selfish, and not have to feel guilty? No. The Hells are going to make me feel miserable whatever decision I make.

Why do decisions in life have to be so hard? I know why. I know the reason. If they were really easy there would be no work. Working for something is important because we can see what we really care about when we are willing to put ourselves through so much pain in order to get to what we are striving for. But it sucks.

This is one dream that I could actually make come true. Other dreams I can't control, so for once I want to achieve something, even if it is selfish.

Can you fill this out without lying? You need to answer all the questions HONESTLY. (I don't find this difficult)

Cranky
Sensitive
Smart
Easy
Swift
Shocking
Unforgettable
Irresistible
(and then it went down hill)
Manly
Casual
Rich

I feel like the first ones really describe me.

This was so incredible!

Random Words
bored
unsure
restless
at peace
content
laptop
backpack
school
freetime
marriage
friendship

I pop bubble wrap at 2.54 bubbles per second! I popped 196 bubbles in 1 minute and 17.1 seconds at www.Virtual-Bubblewrap.com! Can you beat my score?

I pop bubble wrap at 10.16 bubbles per second! I popped 196 bubbles in 19.3 seconds at www.Virtual-Bubblewrap.com! Can you beat my score?

Breathe and I'll carry you away into the velvet sky
And we'll stir the stars around and watch them fall away
Into the Hudson Bay and plummet out of sight and sound
The open summer breeze will sweep you through the hills
Where I live in the Alpine heights
Below the northern lights I spend my coldest nights alone awake
And thinking of the weekend we were in love

Home among these mountain tops can be so awfully dull
A thousand miles from the tide
Put photos on the walls of New York shopping malls
Distract me so I stay inside
I wish the rocket stayed over the promenade 'cuz I would make a hook
And I fish them from the sky
My darling she and I were hanging on so take us high
To sing the world goodbye

I am floating away lost in a silent ballet
I'm dreaming you're out in the blue and I am right beside you

Awake to take in the view
Late nights and early parades
Still photos and noisy arcades
My darling we're both on the wing
Look down and keep on singing and we can go anywhere

Are you there?

Are you there?

Or are you just a decoy dream in my head
Am I home or am I simply tumbling out alone?

I am floating away
Lost in a silent ballet
I'm dreaming you're out in the blue and I am right beside you
Awake to take in the view

Late nights and early parades
Still photos and noisy arcades
My darling we're both on the wing look down and keep on singing
And we can go anywhere

Are you there?

Are you there?

I sometimes find my brain deserts me and I find myself misspelling things that don't make any sense. I don't mean things like their/there/they're (those happen all the time). I right that I was tirade of waiting in the Pennypack and I had to scratch my knows because it itched. Those ones are weird to me. Like when suddenly I can't remember how to spell "post" and silent Ws and Rs sneak in.

Yesterday we played Settlers of Catan. I like that game pretty well. I don't seem to get tired of it and enjoy it most of the time. I discovered something yesterday. When I am anxious for certain die roles and they don't come I am moody and annoyed. Also, generally I have great plans for what I want to build and when people don't trade with me it makes me disappointed, and I get frustrated when someone cuts me off or I can't get where I want to go.

Yesterday when playing I had no great ambitions. I was happy for whatever die role, I traded with others when they needed something and I didn't. I often didn't need anything because I had no great building plans (maybe I've been around too many buildings in progress), and I wasn't racing with anyone for certain territory. At the time all I thought was "I'm having fun and I don't care much what or if I build." It was only after that I realized I was content with whatever outcome. I often wish I could play my life with as content an attitude. I'm not going to race someone for the best wheat fields and the wheat harbor. If that's where they are headed I don't want to thwart them. I am going to try to not care what is rolled to me and if it's a 7, that's fine because it's my favorite number and I'm not afraid of thieves breaking in and stealing.

I have to write an imagist poem. But I don't know the first thing about poetry.

When searching for things on google I like to type very slowly, letter by letter, and see how many letters it takes to come up with what I am searching for. In the meantime it gives sometimes really hilarious options. What people search for can be amusing, but also it can be really surprising what order things come up in. I just started typing "how" into google... continue typing "to kil" WHAT THE! How does that even get more than one person searching for it?

 Ok, the game (can you tell I'm procrastinating?) is to guess before typing what you think the first word will be when you type the letters of the alphabet into google. Put a 1 if you were right, a 2 if your guess was the second word etc. Example: I think the first word or phrase for "a" will be "amercian idol" and the answer is amazon and american idol was second so I get a two. Don't write your guesses to it will be spoiled for others. just write how correct your answer was. Make sense? The answer is no. Who in their right mind invents a crazy time wasting game.

I stumbled across this while doing research for a paper and though I have read it before I never noticed what it says before:

"Therefore a woman who does not wish to be beautiful is not a woman who wishes to love and be loved, and so is not truly a woman... Listening to this were some wives from heaven, who were themselves beautiful, being forms of heavenly affection, and they confirmed the three conclusions reached by the men.  But they added, "Let women love their beauty and its ornamentation, provided it is for the sake of their husbands and inspired by them."

That's a pretty strong statement. According to wives in heaven women who do not want to be beautiful are not truly women.


Here is the full passage:
CL 330 I once heard a friendly discussion among some men regarding the feminine sex, as to whether any woman can love her husband if she is constantly in love with her own beauty, that is, if she loves herself on account of her appearance.  The men agreed among themselves, first that women have a twofold beauty, one a natural beauty having to do with their face and figure, and the other a spiritual beauty having to do with their love and demeanor.  They agreed also that these two kinds of beauty are very often separated in the natural world, but that they are always united in the spiritual world; for outward beauty in the spiritual world is an expression of a person's love and demeanor.  It frequently happens after death therefore that homely women become beautiful, and beautiful women homely.
 [2]    As the men were discussing this, some wives came to them saying, "Permit us to join you; for what you are discussing you know from observation, but we know it from experience.  Besides, as regards the love possessed by wives you know so little as to know scarcely anything.  Are you aware that it is a matter of prudence inherent in the wisdom of wives to hide their love for their husbands and conceal it in the recesses of their bosom or at the center of their heart?"
    The discussion recommenced, and the first conclusion drawn by the men was that every woman wishes to seem beautiful in appearance and beautiful in demeanor, because she is from birth the form of an affection of love and this affection is expressed in beauty. 
    To this the wives said, "A woman's beauty lies in her gentle tenderness and in her consequent keen sensitivity of feeling.  That is what occasions a woman's love for a man and a man's love for a woman.  This is perhaps something you do not understand."
[3]    The men's second conclusion was that before marriage a woman wishes to be beautiful for men in general, but after marriage, if she is chaste, for her husband only and not for other men.
    To this the wives said, "After a husband has tasted the natural beauty of his wife he no longer sees it, but sees instead her spiritual beauty and returns her love because of that.  If he calls to mind her natural beauty, he does so with a different view of it."
[4]    The third conclusion reached by the men in their discussion was that if a woman after marriage wishes to seem beautiful in the same way as before, she loves men in general and not her husband.  "For a woman who loves herself on account of her beauty," they explained, "continually wishes to have her beauty tasted; and because it is no longer seen by her husband - as you women have said - she wishes to have it tasted by men who do see it.  It is patent that such a woman has a love for the opposite sex in general and not a love for just one."
    At this the wives were silent, though they murmured to themselves, "What woman is so without vanity that she does not wish to seem beautiful to men in general also at the same time as to her one and only?"
    Listening to this were some wives from heaven, who were themselves beautiful, being forms of heavenly affection, and they confirmed the three conclusions reached by the men.  But they added, "Let women love their beauty and its ornamentation, provided it is for the sake of their husbands and inspired by them."

I had a dream about getting to meet the people from Lost at a really fancy thing. I saw Michael Emerson (he looked really different) and he shook my hand and gave me a hug. I had gone down to where there were a lot more people, but had come back up to look for my cell phone and the Lost actors came out of a door and started talking to us. There were only about 5 of us and the actors were like "there aren't that many people here. Let's go." But I tried to convince them to go down the candlelit pathway into the woods where everyone else was.
Then I woke up.

I wanted to write a quick update. I'm back in school and, as usual, enjoying my classes and, as usual, very overwhelmed with the amount of reading I have to do for all my classes. So I am very tired and though I have no classes tomorrow I have work from 9-1. Luckily I can do some of my reading at the cafe but I'm so tired of reading and I'm only on my second homework assignment. The funny thing is I am enjoying my Renaissance textbook much more than Huck Finn, which I find quite dull. Usually a novel, no matter how boring, is gonna be better than a textbook but not this time.

I love my friends and I love talking about the things I care about most with them. Although almost in every conversation something religious comes up and helps me clarify and solidify some belief, recently I have had two specifically religious discussions which were very useful. I loved both and learned a lot from my friends. After the second one I realized something important (which has always been there but I all of the sudden could put my finger on it). Both times the discussion arose naturally but in the second discussion I found I was going into it entirely ready to learn and understand better because I was confused. The first time I was much too ready to share my opinions and make people see it my way (I think this sounds a little harsher than I mean). I love talking about things I already understand because it helps me to figure out what I actually believe and what is historical faith. But I loved (had I used this word too much in this entry?) last nights conversations because it felt so relaxed, comfortable and charitable. I love having confusing things clarified and I love my friends who help me see things more clearly, and an especial thank you and appreciation to my cousin Ronnie who I don't talk to enough and I really enjoyed him being part of that conversation. The rest of you are awesome too and I love talking to you!